Being a Parent Made me Crap at Dieting

So in the build up to having my youngest daughter, I spent two months in hospital, which you can read about here if you haven’t already. Done it? Welcome back. I don’t like to go on about it (ahem)…. As a result, by the time she eventually came into  the world, I had seriously put on some timber. Two and a half stone of timber I may add. And that’s after the baby arrived.

“Don’t panic!” I told myself. “I’m young! I’m active! I’m educated on healthy eating! I can lose that weight in nooooo time.”

Idiot.

The first stone came off easy enough. Once I wasn’t sat in a hospital bed eating out the entire stock of the hospital M&S Food, and instead spending my days chasing after three sprogs, and breastfeeding, I didn’t really need to do a huge amount to lose it. But six months on, and no further weight has shifted.

It looks like I fit into these trousers. Not so. The fat is just smooshed up to make a flubber shelf. Its all glamour.

A friend of mine is a spokesperson for Juice Plus, and clean eating, so being the salesperson’s dream that I am, I signed up. I’m not really into meal replacement shakes (if you are then great, I’m not judging in the slightest) so I opted for the capsules alongside following their eating plan which effectively consists of ‘clean eating’; I.e: no refined sugars, no processed foods, lots of vegetables, meat, and natural or brown carbohydrates. It’s a food ethos I really believe in and I couldn’t recommend it enough. The capsules have also really helped my skin and hair and whatever your thoughts on them are, I love them. You’re also supposed to exercise every day, as we all should anyway.

Unfortunately, believing in the diet and knowing it’s brilliant does not mean I’m very good at following it.

Take yesterday. I woke up and my husband and I completed the Insanity workout. Afterwards we had a brunch of poached eggs and spinach on rye bread. We then went out for a walk with the girls, and came back to cook a healthy roast chicken, with very little added fats and lots of vegetables. We finished with fruit and yoghurt.

Then the kids went to bed, and we ate an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a bottle of wine, and a KEBAB.

So goes every day. I start well, but by mid morning I’m sneaking a biscuit or two (or twelve). I’m totally ignoring the ‘one coffee a day’ guideline and am matching my caffeine intake to my oxygen intake. I finish off the kids crisps, I’m putting butter on my rice cakes and if I meet a friend for coffee I find myself accidentally adding a teeny weeny biscuit when I get to the till. Or a skinny blueberry muffin. Or a slice of triple chocolate cake with extra frosting and cream with chocolate sprinkles. And then, at the end of day, when the kids have gone to bed, I somehow find myself replacing my glass of water with a bowl of fruit and one square of extra dark chocolate with a bottle of wine, a bar of Dairy Milk (no, not the little ones) and a tub of ice-cream. And my intention of doing a home workout dvd every day… The thought is there. Unfortunately the action isn’t.

Still not enough.

But I’ve worked out why it is.

Since having my first child six years ago, I don’t go out anymore. I very rarely go out for nice meals. I don’t smoke. I spend my money on baby grows and drama lessons and school shoes.  As it should be. When I get an hour where the kids are entertaining themselves or asleep, I either catch up on work or housework. Two of my kids still wake up at night, so if I don’t drink copious amounts of coffee I suspect I may actually die. If I get the chance to spend a morning catching up with a friend I really love being able to sit down and chat sometimes rather than us both chasing after our two year olds as they try to find how many ways they can kill themselves on a nature walk (“DON’T JUMP IN THE POND! DON’T EAT THE MUD! PLEEEEAAAASE DON’T THROW ROCKS AT THE DUCKS!”). And at the end of the evening, when my husband is finally home and the children are in bed asleep, and we have two hours before we have to go bed, I’m knackered. I don’t want to go out to an aerobics class. I know I should be doing Insanity or Davina McCall’s latest DVD. I know I shouldn’t be eating two hours before bed time. I also know I shouldn’t be drinking on a school night. But the thought of binge-watching Elementary and eating Ben and Jerry’s until I feel sick with a glass of wine is just. too. damn. tempting.

If Ben or Jerry are reading, yes I DO do endorsements….

So I’m making the decision to stay a little bit fatter than I would choose. I’m deciding to keep my ever-so-slightly-bigger love handles and have arms that I have to make sure aren’t pressed to my side in pictures because they look enormous. I will eat healthily because I don’t want to be ill, and because I don’t want to get fatter, and I will do as much exercise as I can. But for now, my six-pack is being kept warm for winter and the gap between my thighs is currently awaiting completion. And I’m OK with it. I’ve housed three small humans, and I gained that extra lard making sure one of them could stay in two months longer than she wanted to. The coffee stops me from falling asleep at the wheel on the way to school and the time spent working instead of doing Jazzercise is the ballet classes I can afford to send them to. And the wine and ice-cream… Well that’s just for me.

I’ll get skinny again some other time. Maybe….. Did someone say cake?

I’m on Facebook you know. its a life altering Facebook page full of entertaining*, educational** and inspiring*** posts. And incontinence jokes. Lots of incontinence jokes. Follow me to change your life forever.****

*childish

**silly

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