This is my first proper entry. Well ok, its technically my second, but the first was merely telling you that I’m now blogging, which isn’t really an entry at all, more like a pre-curser to a blog entry. If it was a road sign it would be in the same guise as the one saying ‘ROAD CLOSED AHEAD’. Except those signs are rubbish; because they never say which road, and there may be multiple roads ahead so you just think ‘ah fuck it, I’ll keep going because it probably isn’t my road’, and then you get to it and it bloody is your road, you know because now there’s a sign saying ‘ROAD CLOSED’ but now you’re buggered because it’s only a one lane road and you have no way of turning around so you’re going to have to reverse all the way down the road you came. But it’s actually worse than that, because someone else saw you going down the road and thought you must know that the road you both needed wasn’t closed so followed you and now you’re both stuck trying to reverse down a one lane road without crashing into each other.
1. I sometimes go off topic.
I was recently wedding dress shopping with two of my closest friends, both English teachers, and afterwards they both agreed that I probably have ADHD. They weren’t joking, before you start telling me that ADHD is a real condition and my mocking it makes me and my friends terrible people. Of course, it didn’t exist when I was at school. It had a different name back then. If you had ‘ADHD’ you were known as ‘A Little Shit’.
Not that I was particularly, in fact I was pretty good at school, and always one of the top achievers. But I do struggle to pay attention, and I do get distracted easily. Like right now, I’m writing this but I’m thinking about whether green bean and plum would be a nice chutney combination (EDITED: It does! I made some and its delicious, you should try it). At the wedding dress shop, I had sat nicely, talked politely and only eaten one (ok two) of the chocolate eclairs on offer. When my friend came out looking totally gorgeous, I told her so and tried to give her honest and sincere feedback about each and every dress. I was exemplary as wedding dress invitee. What my friends are referring to would be when I also tried to talk my friend into claiming she wanted to use one of the curtain tiebacks as a necklace; when I played Boyzone’s ‘No Matter What’ to make her imagine she was walking down the aisle, when I suggested that she practices going to the toilet so she could deem if it would be possible, and when I put on an Irish Accent and told “Ah, top o’ the mornin’ , ya looks a picture so’s ya do. Ah ye looks grand…” so that she could pretend I was her fiancé. I don’t know if you’d call it ADHD, but I’m not a very good grown up.
2. I swear too much.
I try not to, I really do. My friend once told me she finds it particularly shocking that I swear a lot, because I’m fairly well spoken and border on being a bit snobby. I say ‘Bahth and ‘Grahss’, and I pronounce my ‘th’s and I don’t abbreviate words a huge amount. They say that swearing is a way of covering up a limited vocabulary, but I can assure you that my vocabulary is plentiful, I just think few words are as pertinent and befitting and a casually dropped in a good ‘fuck’ now again. Although, fellow users of bad language: its all about class. Overuse can be offputting in a person. Just drop in a nice swear when people least expect it and say it nicely, and be very careful with the C- word. See, this blog is going to be educational too!
3. I have an unhealthy obsession with food.
People often say ‘Oh I just love my food’ as a pre-curser to why they are overweight. Often- although not always- this doesn’t actually mean they love food. It means they love to eat bad food. I have heard many people tell me that they love food, only to find out that they actually have an appallingly limited of foods that they will actually eat, and all of those on the list are rubbish. I have been told on many, many occasions that I can’t love food because I am not fat. Incorrect. I actually love food. All food. I love buying food, I love trying new foods, I love eating food. I love thinking about cooking food. I love thinking about eating food. I have a particular penchant for meat and cheese. Often together. I hate processed food. Every parent has something that they are non-moving and a total knob about. For me it is food. I have spent my children’s entire life getting them to cook and eat proper food. my children have a very good idea of what real food tastes like. This is why, perhaps, my five year old’s favourite meal is smoked salmon, with humus and ratatouille. I didn’t say she has the classiest palate…
4. I have an deep appreciation of Boris Jonson.
No explanation needed. The man is the full package.
I was told as a child to take care when letting people see the crazy. Let it out for small increments of time, and only to people that will appreciate it, that’s what I was told. Coincidently, I was given that same advice about other things too. So that’s all the crazy I’m going to let out right now.
Despite my personality, I have managed to convince someone to marry me (I’m as surprised about that as you). He is nothing like me at all, in fact is very logical and clever and level headed, and very rarely throws temper tantrums about not being able to find matching shoes (which I have never done…). Here he is dangling one of the children as a form of punishment.
Together we have three children.
My five year old, who is very clever and I’m repeatedly told ‘confident and assertive’. This is other people’s nice way of telling me that she is both bossy and gobby. She wants to be a doctor or a seal trainer, neither seems to sit more favourably to the other.
My two year old, who is incredibly cute and spends much of her days following me around saying ‘tuddle me mummy!’. She had developed a penchant for drawing on everything, and eats like a 20 stone squaddie. She also gets herself dressed at least five times a day, and not always in her own clothes.
My brand new baby, who was five weeks early and is so far unable to really assert her personality other than her latent dislike of sleeping at night. Hobbies include making lamb noises, pooing a lot and partying through the night. Here she is during the day…
We also have a dog, Lionel ‘Moo’ Messi. He is as ridiculous as he is magnificent. I bought him as my protection dog, when we lived in a big farm house miles away from civilisation. Unfortunately, he is afraid of bugs and seems oblivious to the world around him. He spends much of his time in costume, which he never objects to.
So thats’ me. Keep reading to be educated, enlightened, enthralled and amazed.
I should warn you, I also exaggerate somewhat.